In my ‘comeback’ blog, I struggled to express the desire I had for building upon my passion of entertaining with the drive to make a difference in the world. In this installment, I hope to cover how this revival came about.
Writer’s block.
It started around the time my heart was utterly shattered, unsurprisingly. When I had to accept that I had lost half of my voiceover clients to contracts I couldn’t sign, else I give my voice to AI. My bread-and-butter audiobook narration hit a snag when my rep quit and my new one wasn’t interested in taking on more talent. The industry was split between wanting “raw, un-professional” and “AI prompts”, and I was stuck in the middle, having trained and honed my perfect diction down to a fault.
I swallowed my pride, earned my Project Management Professional (PMP®) certification, and took a job that broke my confidence even further. Not my capability – I am a kick ass PMP and managed train wrecks into award winning activations. No, my confidence. No one cared to hear my thoughts or opinions; suggestions were wholly ignored. My role was the ‘Voice of Truth’, the objective stats such as budget, timeline, resources, and so forth.
My personality, my creativity that makes me uniquely ‘me’… none of that mattered. And it broke me.
Hustle.
One constant trait you will hear from anyone who has interacted with me, is my impeccable work ethic. I have received promotions within the 1st month of employment, at multiple organizations. I have never been fired, laid off, or asked to leave. While I’ve yet to hold a Director title, I’ve sat in meetings intended for C-Suite leadership ears-only. I’ve informed CEOs directly, presented to external stakeholders, retained clients threatening churn. I am nothing if not dependable and trustworthy. And I am also very, very, determined.
All great characteristics on paper, but in reality it boils down to one word = workaholic.
Upon re-entering the workforce, I sold my personal time through contract work. I worked an average of 50hrs a week at my main employer, about 10hrs a week as a contracted Marketing manager at two former employers, and was still recording audiobooks and other smaller gigs from the remaining voiceover clients I had. Additionally, I was taking pre-cana for my wedding. Saying I was busy was an understatement. And this is not a brag; it’s a problem.
I’d genuinely forgotten how to relax.
Defeat.
So, there I was. Low self-esteem, destroyed self-identity, eliminated personal time. Add to it chronic pain and stress beyond measure… I was a snowball rolling down the hill. I gained weight. I felt my age. I had no hobbies to speak of; I didn’t even watch tv. Cosplay, Videogames – who’s she?
The ironic thing is, I still had time to feel blessed. I was accomplishing so much. I had better emotional regulation, I paid off all my debt, I got married – and paid cash, so no debt there. I was climbing the ladder of my 2nd choice career with incredible speed. By all accounts, I was winning.
But I felt defeated.
When you have a passion, a lifelong dream, it’s hard to pivot cold-turkey. And I wasn’t just pivoting a career choice – it was my entire identity. I felt like a shell of a person; a drone going through the motions.
No time to write. No confidence to speak. No joy to share.
What is an entertainer to do?
Adapt.
The Road Back.
Through it all, I had a nagging fire in my chest. A voice saying, “fuck it.” I joke that I accomplish many things out of spite. Proving to others that I can do whatever it is I set my mind on. I’m driven, determined, ambitious.
This is why I agree with Pottermore that I am a Slytherin. People latch onto the childish categorization, assuming Slytherin means bad or evil. But that’s not really it at all. Yes, they are self-preserving, but they are cunning, resourceful, and strategic. Traits that directly resulted in this production about to be released into the world.
Basically, if I can’t succeed by my own rules and standards, I’ll just have to “fake it ’til I make it” using other alternatives. By (almost) any means necessary.
Step 1.
Okay, so I wasn’t going to make it as a voice actor. But I still want to entertain. I worked through what makes me happy, creatively speaking, what logistically was possible, and what potential outcomes could come from it. I settled on two things: Video Gaming Let’s Plays and a Podcast, with supplemental YouTube videos when I had something extra to share.
Problem.
What would the podcast be about?
I’d chosen my content mediums but I still had a problem – I hadn’t written, played, or watched much of anything for a year and a half. Sure, it’s like bicycling, you never truly lose it, but picking up a controller or staring at a blank word document was unbelievably daunting. That will definitely be a separate blog to write, no doubt.
Step 2.
I swallowed my disdain of AI (it had stolen my dream, after all) and decided to use it to my advantage as a sounding board. I analyzed my previous iterations of my podcast, reviewed what I liked and what was successful. Pulled insight from resources I had available (a career coach who helped me re-write my resume shared a beta program with me that she was trying to sell. I got it for free in return for providing feedback on what she built), and even reached out to Podcast critics to hear what they had to say.
Problem.
How can I create this content?
I’d spent months half-writing the narrative, backtracking, needing research I didn’t have time to do. Over time, I’d gotten back into a more normal life with personal time being set aside just for me to decompress, but I then became overly-protective of that time and now had to fight procrastination, which was a first for me.
Step 3.
I asked for help. Do I want to be able to claim that I did all of the backend research and writing myself? Of course. Was I willing to continually prolong the process in an endless spiral of over-thinking and procrastination? Not anymore.
I developed the journey for Season One and wrote out what I wanted to explore in each episode. This will give me a good idea of whether people resonate with the content and what I should dig deeper on, and what I should leave behind.
Then, I hired Esha Nouman and Alex Simpson.
Esha conducted the research I needed and wrote the blog that each Podcast episode would be based on. The idea is built in marketing best-practices (something I’m horrible for doing for myself) and also provided me with a base to yes, use AI to reformat into a script. I know, it’s not great. But it’s far from AI Slop and the time saved is what makes this even feasible for me to pursue.
Alex has written fictional stories to go along with the “lesson of the day” of each episode. Storytelling is something that I felt needed to be included, at least one last time, and I love the lore and world building he’s developed. As the podcast grows, I hope the tale of Gunnar will, too. Who knows, perhaps his journey will become the first Mindfulness-based Action RPG!
Esha will also be managing my Instagram, in an effort to spread awareness of my podcast a bit more than I have ever done previously. Again, I would love to be the one to interact with others online, but I simply have no time to dedicate to this.
Transparency.
Why am I sharing all of this with you? I’ve already told you: I’m known for being Dependable and Trustworthy, and I don’t want to ever jeopardize that. You may not agree with every choice I make, but you will always know the what and the why behind those choices.
I am not perfect, just as I am not a medical professional. I am not a monk on a mountaintop with all the answers tucked neatly into my robe pocket. I am a tired, determined, emotionally dramatic little potato-fairy of a human being who still believes stories can change us in small, strange ways.
I know I will make mistakes. I know I will be called out. And if this series grows the way I hope it does, I know the haters and trolls will eventually crawl out from under their bridges, ready to comment. (the gaming community can be toxic AF, after all). But what I will not have is an influencer scandal!
Psypris’ Asylum is not being created because I have mastered mindfulness. It’s being created because I need it, too. Because I know what it feels like to lose your voice, your confidence, your joy, your hobbies, your sense of self; and still have some tiny, stubborn ember inside whispering, “Not yet.”
So this is me feeding the ember; this is me adapting.
This is me finding my way back to the stage, one episode, one story, one breath, one chaotic little nerdy reflection at a time.
Welcome back to the Asylum. Let’s embrace insanity together.